Waiting On The Lord

How precious is The Lord's provision.  He generously gives us what we need, but often we encounter the conflict of what we want verses what we truly need.  Our wants are self developed, our needs are seen by The Lord.  When what we so strongly yearn for is left unfulfilled, we experience pain of broken expectations.  My prayer remains that our vision would not be clouded by tears, but would be through the lens of perspective of what The Lord is teaching us through our pain.  My encouragement is to transform your test into your testimony, do not allow your pain to be wasted.   

I don't count it a coincidence that on multiple occasions when I'm in the midst of a trial The Lord provides me with a friend, new or old, this friend is going through or has recently gone through the exact struggle I face.  It is through this friend I am blessed with wisdom and encouragement.  It reminds me of the Biblical story of Mary and Elizabeth...both women found themselves pregnant by The Lord's supernatural provision and faithfulness.  Having never been pregnant I can't say I understand the physical and emotional changes that occur, but I have witnessed it and it certainly doesn't look easy.  How incredible for God to give Mary and Elizabeth the support of each other, for Elizabeth to look to Mary and say "Sister, I know how you feel."   

I have been in a stage of waiting for years, waiting for my husband (refer back to previous posts for more details).  Through the years I have experienced friends who are in the same stage of waiting and what a beautiful gift it is to pray together and soak up The Lord's truth.  Even more beautiful is to celebrate the fulfillment of His promises.  I am honored that my best friend, Tanya English (pictured below), has decided to share her story of waiting with y'all.  Below are Tanya’s words. 

"Waiting On The Lord" 

We live in a world that doesn't know what it means to wait.  The generation I grew up in seldom here's the word "No," we focus on being faster, our goal remains to decrease our wait time.  We thrive on immediate gratification.  We live in a society where if something is broke, we don't fix it, we upgrade to the next latest and greatest.  You can't afford something?  That's okay, just put it on a credit card.  We fill ourselves up with things, but leave the inside empty.  It's hard to live in this world and not let it taint you with its ideas of what happiness means.  We are constantly being programmed that the more you have and the quicker you can get it, the happier you will be.  I have learned, that can’t be further from the truth! 

Waiting rips control from your grasp, it is uncomfortable and scary.  In this world of immediate gratification we find ourselves asking, why should or would we wait? 

I have experienced periods of “waiting,” but never to the point where my heart truly ached.  Not until I decided to have a baby.  Everything had aligned perfectly; I was married, we had just purchased a house with extra rooms for children, and we were both employed with good benefits.  It seemed natural…first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage.   I was just about to turn 26…operation baby was put in place.

In May 2013, I stopped birth control and found myself pregnant after only 3 months of trying, Woo Hoo!  The day we signed papers as new homeowners, we found out we were pregnant.  I was in awe of His perfect timing! In my prayers, I even "requested" that I get pregnant in July or August, (and this was July).  I excitedly told family and close friends.  My celebration quickly halted when I begin spotting only two weeks later.  This made absolutely no sense.  How could my prayers been so wrong?  I felt The Lord had answered my prayers, and then that joy was quickly ripped away, almost as if I was being teased.  This was one of the biggest disappointments I had experienced and the pain went deep.    

Six months later, which felt like eternity (Jan 2014), we found out we were pregnant again!  I was confident God would see this one to fruition!  I got an early ultrasound and blood work; everything looked great!  This time I only told a handful of people, obviously afraid of the worst.  I did my best to relax and trust that God was in control.  I held on to the verse "There is no fear in love, for perfect love casts out fear.  For fear has to do with punishment, and the one who fears is not made perfect in love." (1 John 4:18)  At exactly 9 weeks to the day, I began to spot.  The pain of my first miscarriage fell upon me.  I fearfully denied the possibility of a second.  I couldn’t be miscarrying again!  I tried to rationalize this pain with presenting the reasons why I should receive the desire of my heart - I'm healthy, we are good people, we did things right… we didn’t deserve what we were receiving.  Well sure enough, it was not implantation spotting as I had hoped, I was going through another loss. 

I found myself in a pit of despair.  I was hurt.  The desire of my heart was left unfulfilled and in its place was left pain, loss, hurt, and frustration.  I was mad.  Disappointed.  I thought, is this really God's plan?  How can this be his plan?  I thought he wanted to bless us? The year following, I did my best to remain hopeful and confident, but there were often days I felt defeated.  As each month went by, I often wondered what was wrong with me and was mad at my body for failing me.  I reached out to friends who had been through similar losses and was determined to use these experiences to strengthen my relationship with God.  I found a podcast that spoke deeply to me called "Shattered Dreams."  I found peace in knowing I wasn't alone in my heartache and that God really was right beside me, I found myself reciting these sweet words - "The Lord is close to those who are broken hearted, he rescues those whose spirits are crushed."  Psalm 34:18.   

One year later (March 2015), I awoke at 3:30am with an intense urge to take a pregnancy test.  I peed on the stick, much like I had for the umpteenth time, and I walked away.  Pregnancy tests seemed more like tests of my patience.  Pregnancy tests were like riding an emotional roller coaster, excitement and hope at the possibility, and pain and disappointment when it again reads negative.  At my first glance at the pregnancy test I thought, of course, not pregnant again…but then I realized I read the test incorrectly and I was in fact pregnant!  I stared in the mirror and didn't know whether to laugh or cry.  I went out on the couch in the living room and began praying.  Two hours later, my husband awoke and I told him the news.  With tears rolling down his eyes, He said, "See, I told you! This is IT!"  He knelt to kiss my stomach, his loving action broke my heart, wondering if this time would be successful.  As much as I wanted to believe those words, my heart still had a brick wall surrounding it.  The thought of going through a third miscarriage plagued me and made me ill. 

When I reflect upon my losses I find myself wondering - what God was saving me from through my losses?  Or what was he saving me to?  Was my body not ready to bear children?  Was I not ready to have children?  We often forget to thank God for what we are NOT experiencing.  Trusting him to provide our every need when we need them, not when we want them.  I prayed often that He would replace the empty feeling inside of me with more of Him, and He faithfully did.  He was also faithful to use my pain, he brought people into my life that needed to hear my story.  My pain brought me wisdom and I was able to encourage and provide hope from a new platform – I was able to do more than sympathize, I was able to empathize.  I slowly learned that this was my testimony to share and God wanted to use me, how incredible!  More than anything, I wanted God to look proudly upon me for I have turned ashes to beauty and am an example of his faithfulness.                                               

I write my story being 24.5 weeks pregnant and doing GREAT!  At the gender reveal party we learned we are having a girl, she will be named Emma Grace.  Emma has no specific meaning to me, I have always just loved the name.  Grace means unmerited favor.  It's receiving something even when you don't deserve it.  She is not only a gift from God, but a product of love and patience.  She is something that we had to work hard for and will always be worth the wait.        

I feel so blessed that I am getting to experience being pregnant and the joy it brings.  My fears have slowly faded away for I trust that God is in control and has always had a plan better than mine.  I have learned that waiting isn't to torture, but instead surrender to receive a greater plan.  I know God has always wanted to bless us, and even in my pain, he blessed me with wisdom, encouragement, and hope.  

I pray that if anyone who is reading this and is in a stage of waiting that you find hope in my journey from a desert to the promise land.  May you find hope from the testimony of the Lord’s faithfulness and provision.  May you trust in his timing.  I know it's hard when it seems everyone around you falls pregnant "Oh I wasn't even trying!" and how much that stings.  Or when you have been to your 10th baby shower and kids birthday party.   You want so much to bring your own little one with you or have someone rub your belly!  Or buy cute maternity clothes and feel like you’re glowing.  I pray you be patient and expectant in your waiting, for The Lord is good.  "Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill His promises to her!"  Luke 1:45 

Amen sissy!

Q

Fail.

Pride sings my praises and hides my failures. 

Failure, isn't familiar territory. Failure is something I've been able to avoid...but today it ran over me like a semi. 

I received the results of a speciality certification exam, at the top it read "FAIL." My stomach dropped, my eyes filled with tears, and I stared at the word in shock. 

Let's break it down. 

I failed a test. Is a single test a true indication of my skill? No. Is it an indication of my work ethic? No, I studied 400+ hours. Is it an indication of my professional ability? No. It is an indication that I answered some questions incorrectly. Perhaps a bad test day. But guess what, that's it. It doesn't determine my worth or value because my worth is in Christ and he conquered death (a test all humans have failed ;) 

Pride results in arrogance. Pride tempted me to make excuses and sing of my prior successes. Failure with humility reminds me of my dependence upon my Savior. There is a lot to be learned from failure, I won't waste the opportunity to grow in the unfamiliar and scary territory. God made His decision about me (and you) long ago - He is crazy in love with me (and you)...regardless of my test results! 

Failure is what you make it. It can be a road block, it can stop progress BUT only if you allow it. Failure can be an ignition switch, a match that sets discipline and hard work ablaze. Failure is a choice to wallow or work. 

The Bible reads “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9 

Lord, teach me to share my weaknesses and not be embarrassed for there is no shame in you. Take my pain and exchange it for wisdom. Amen.

30 lessons learned in 30 years

Teens are when you believe you know it all and in actually know very little (or nothing). The early 20s are the years of making and often repeating mistakes as you struggle to find your path. The late 20s have a more solid foundation, although many questions remain unanswered you become more confident in who you have become. 30 doesn't intimidate me, I enter this decade knowing who I am, knowing what I believe, confident in my passions, and loving who I have become. 

30 lessons learned in 30 years:

1. Keep God at #1.

2. Hold your head high, not your nose. Humility is very attractive.

3. Surround yourself with greatness for you become like the company you keep. Invest richly in those you admire. Walk with the dreamers, the believers, the courageous, the cheerful, the planners, the doers, the encouragers. 

4. Friendship isn't about convenience, it's about effort. Like anything of worth, relationships require diligent work.

5. Listen to your mum. She's wiser than you.

6. Prayer might not receive an immediate answer, but prayer is always the answer. Pray often.

7. If someone offers to teach you something always say yes (especially if it is your grandmother).

8. Be intentional to love where you're at, be grateful for every chapter, and not spend your days wishing for ones that lay ahead. To my single ladies - Don't settle because you become weary of waiting. You value most what you wait patiently for and seek earnestly.

9. When you say yes to the honor of being a bridesmaid, realize your responsibility is to assist and celebrate the bride. Don't complain about the dress/shoes or cost. Also, no one cares if your hair isn't perfect, the day isn't about you.

10. Memorize scripture. Life will cut you, ensure you bleed truth. 

11. This world offers far too much to ever be board. Explore and discover as much as possible.

12. Be creative. The more you use it, the more you'll have. 

13. Your mouth speaks from that which fills your heart. The prettiest thing to paint on your lips are kind words.

14. Don't spend time wallowing in the past, confidently know that what was meant for you will never miss you and that what misses you was never yours to keep. 

15. God is always doing 10,000 things in your lift and you may only be aware of 3 of them. Trust him.  For his plans are higher than your plans.

16. In the words of Prefontaine "To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift." When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I do not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, “I used everything you gave me.”

17. Seek respect, not attention.  It lasts longer.

18. Real faith isn’t a hopeful wish.  Real faith is making the decision that no matter the outcome, we’ll choose to see it as God’s perfect answer.  Through the good.  Through the not-so-good.  And even through the down right awful – we will trust God.  Now, this doesn’t mean we won’t cry and express hurt. It means we’ve decided it’s better to have lived trying to take leaps of faith with God, than to walk away from him.

19. Set goals. It fosters accountability, discipline, and determination.

20. Experiences make you richer, invest in travel. Learn how to use a map, a compass, and how to pack light.

21. Dating should be fun, if it isn't, you're doing it wrong. 

Your partner should bring out the best in you, they should challenge you, inspire you, encourage you, celebrate you, excite you, motivate you, 

22. It's better to be overdressed than underdressed. But on those days you have "nothing to wear" go with jeans and a white tee.

23. Expectations are self constructed and subsequently so is disappointment. Instead, allow yourself to be surprised.

24. Tell the truth. A true friend will tell you a uncomfortable/painful truth about yourself with kindness. Accept gracefully. BUT recognize that those who speak "truth" to shame and embarrass you aren't true friends.

25. Assess your crush's character by inserting his name into 1 Corinthians 13:4-6. "Bob is kind and patient. Bob does not envy or boast. Bob is not arrogant or rude. Bob does not insist on his own way. Bob is not irritable or resentful. Bob does not rejoice in wrong doing, but rejoices with the truth." Assess your own character by inserting your own name...check yoself before you wreck yoself.

26. You only receive one body. Love it, respect it, and challenge it. (On that note, use sunscreen daily and hydrate)

27. Find people who make you laugh.

28. There is nothing wrong with loving the crap out of everything.  Negative people find their walls.  So never apologize for your enthusiasm.  Never.  Ever.  Never.

29. Be a pitcher. The beautiful thing about pitchers is that the more they pour themselves out the more space they have to be filled. Be generous with your time, your resources, and your wisdom.

30. The best things in life are free... Play outside.  Go for a run.  Jump in a lake, a river, an ocean.  Take a nap under a tree.  Climb a tree.  Climb a mountain.  Do cartwheels in a park.  Laugh until you cry.  Share a hug, squeeze tightly.  Catch a lizard, give it a name. Soak up the sun.  Throw a football, a baseball, a Frisbee.  Meet a stranger; make them your friend (use good judgment).  Fall in love. Build a fort.  Watch for shooting stars.  Write a love note.  Help a stranger with yard work. Sing every Disney song you can remember. Swing in a hammock.  Kiss deeply.  Swing on a tire swing.  Pick wildflowers.  Teach your child a new skill.  Make a friend who can teach you a new language.  

Cheers, 

Quinn

"Why Eugene, Oregon?"

It is a question I’m asked with each new introduction, yet on occasion I have asked myself that very question.  "Why Eugene, Oregon?"

My answer is simply the words of my close friend, Karen Huskins, “it’s totally The Lord.”

Let’s rewind…

The end of residency meant I must secure a job.  In preparation for the completion of residency in January 2015, I initiated a job search in late October 2014.  I scoured various professional websites in search of a job that matched my criteria for sports medicine, research based, and a standout clinic environment.  At the end of my search my google chrome window held 20 separate tabs, it was a week before I could closely assess each tab and apply accordingly.

One of the tabs was the website of Tensegrity Physical Therapy located in Eugene, Oregon.  I was a bit confused how an Oregon clinic remained one of the tabs, I contributed it to sleep depravation during my job search.  The state of Oregon was not in my list of top states to reside in.  My job searches were focused in North Carolina, South Carolina, Texas, Colorado, and California.  To be perfectly honest, the search in the western states was more so to appease and silence my family who kept asking if I would return to the west coast.  After reading Tensegrity’s website and being impressed by their mission and their clinicians, I decided to apply. 

The beginning of my cover letter reads “In response, to your job advertisement on ____ website, please consider my resume in your search for a sports medicine physical therapist.”  This starting sentence requires that I know the website from which the job was posted.  When I returned to the job websites I had utilized for my searches I was unable to locate an advertised position for Tensegrity.  I again googled their name with employment postings and my search turned up unsuccessful.  I decided I’d e-mail my resume and cover letter, but an e-mail address was also not available on their site.  What their site held was a “Comment/Question” box – I boldly copied and pasted my entire cover letter into the small box and added a clause – Please contact me if you’re interested in reviewing my resume.

The next morning I awoke to an e-mail reading “Lauren, Interesting timing to receive your email.  I am in the process of creating another position that is full time and specifically looking for someone with your background. I would be interested in having you send me your resume if you are interested.  In addition, we can arrange a time to talk.” 

During the first conversation with the owner he asked –

“Do you have any interest in weight lifting?” Yes, sir, I do. 

“Do you like running?”  Yes, sir, I ran in college. 

I’m thinking – wait, do you stalk me on instagram? 

After my conversation with Tensegrity I told my best friend “I’m 90% positive I’m moving to Oregon.”  But after being heavily recruited by UNC for a position, my certainty percentage shifted to 50/50.  Although I was flattered by the potential opportunity with UNC, my shift in certainty can be contributed to the fear of leaving the Triangle.  Why in the world would I leave a place that housed my best friends, my incredible church, a professional network that included both Duke and UNC, a reputation that I had diligently worked to develop among my patients and colleagues, and geographically, an area that fit me like a glove.  

I became very conflicted about the decision east verses west.  I would awake one morning and confidently state, “I’m moving to Oregon.”  Then I’d awake the very next morning and firmly say, “I’m staying in North Carolina.”  During this time I sought Godly counsel, I prayed, I prayed, I prayed, and I even googled “how to make a Godly decision.”  Number 10 in how to make a Godly decision was – "which choice will make you rely more fully upon God?"  The answer to that question was Oregon, duh.  North Carolina would be the safe choice.

When God sees you doing your part, developing what He has given you, then He will do His part and open doors that no man can shut.  It also means he can close doors that no man can open.  You can refer to my previous blog post “Surrender” for details. 

I believe we all have a limited window of freedom in our lives, a time where we are able to make decisions solely based upon our own desires – not a spouse or children.  I have that freedom now.  I refuse to allow fear to dictate my decisions.  Fear of the unknown would have kept me in North Carolina because I was comfortable, but I want to be a woman who overcomes obstacles by tackling them in faith instead of tiptoeing around them in fear.  The more I surrender to God, the greater my ability to see His hand in my life.  Moving alone to a new place is part terrifying and part exhilarating, but God sized rewards require God sized risks.

Fear told me no, faith told me yes, so in faith (and the gentle pushing of my prayer warriors) I stepped out of my comfort zone.  I won’t lie, leaving NC was one of the hardest decision I’ve made.  The first week in Oregon I battled thoughts that I’d make an impulsive and wrong decision.  Many days were spent in tears, but I’m telling you God does incredible things when you exit your comfort zone.  This decision has made me rely more upon him and daily I experience his faithfulness and provision.  Before I left North Carolina I was given a journal by one of my best friends and on the inside she had written “The huge wings The Lord has perfectly placed on your strong little frame were made to fly – to explore and spread the truth to the ends of the earth.”  I read those words daily to remind myself, this life…it isn’t about me.  I’m willing to go where God wants me to go, for there is no better place to be than in the middle of God’s will. 

So, perhaps now you understand why Oregon.  

Following in faith,

Q

Surrender

I completed the UNC Orthopedic Physical Therapy residency this week, upon this news, my patients, my family, and my friends ask "what's next?" 

What comes next is a big decision.  

Easy decision are mindless, often a clear winner exists - would you rather have a handful of rabbit turds or a handful of chocolate chips - hello, no brainer.  I'm currently deciding between two wonderful opportunities.  They both have their pros and they both have their cons.  There is no clear "best pick."  I'm left feeling indecisive - I'll awake one morning and confidently state "I'm moving west!"  The very next morning I'll away and confidently state "I'm staying in the south!"  To aid my indecisiveness I've made a pro and con list. I've set my professional goals. I've asked for the professional opinion of my colleagues and the personal opinion of my family and friends. With so many opinions it's difficult to distinguish my thoughts from those I've heard.  I've sought council from Godly sources. And I've prayed...a lot...and I've asked for prayer...a lot.

Let's jump back to 2008 when I was applying to graduate school. 

Here is an excerpt pull directly from my prayer journal.  “Lord, you are all knowing, all powerful and perfect.  You know the best plan for me.  You will put me exactly where you want me.  Please help me to trust you completely. Put me where I am supposed to be and help me to be content.  Lord, I want to express my desire; I loved the Regis faculty, campus, students, and program.  It felt like the perfect fit.  Please.  My desire is to go to Regis.”  I couldn’t help but laugh when I read the words I had written.  First, I attempted to “butter” God up with flattery and then I behaved like a selfish child, telling Him what to give me!  My reaction to the rejection, tears and hysteria, was a clear display that I didn’t believe the initial words I wrote.

A journal entry one week later read: “Lord, I composed my own plan – Denver.  I didn’t ask, I told you.  I failed to trust.  Your plan is always best.  I have to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow you to give me the most thrilling plan existing.  Right now I have trouble trusting that your plan is better than my own…take my dreams, come give them wings.  Lord, with you there is nothing that I cannot do.”  (I'm proud of this girl!)

Well The Lord shut the door to Colorado and I ended up at Duke. Was it what I wanted? No...because God knew best, He gave me more than I was asking for by taking away what I thought I wanted. 

I'm a control freak. Type A. I like to know the next step because this allows me to plan ahead.  I find myself packing up my house unsure if I'm moving across town or across the country.  Not knowing is scary.  Actually, it is terrifying.  I like to plan and struggle with control - I like being confident in how things will turn out.  My desire to know is my attempt to not trust.  I'm constantly being reminded that great things take time and the greatest gifts often require an enormous amount of trust and faith - especially when there isn't a clear answer.  But today I choose to trust, to give thanks, to surrender, and to take it one breath at a time.  I will not worry.  I will pray.  I will remind myself of God's faithfulness and believe firmly that the outcome will be above and beyond anything I could imagine in my tiny feeble mind.  Because honestly, God is in the mind-blowing business...he loves to WOW us.

With my current decision I've decided to surrender and trust. Our fickle hearts are easily swayed, mine can't be trusted...so in complete surrender I lay my options on the alter and say "God, you pick. You know the desires of my heart, if they aren't in align with yours please close the door. If I'm settling for less than what you want to give, close the door. I don't want to hold onto something that isn't mine.  Time and time again you reveal your faithfulness."

I serve a God of compassion and love. I can trust him to provide no matter where I am. I can trust him to lead me. I must remember, this life isn't about my glory, it's about his. 

Y'all.  I wrote the blog post above yesterday at 5:17pm.

At 5:21pm I received a phone call that I didn't get the job in North Carolina.  This was a job that I had been heavily recruited for, a position that I was told was developed with me in mind, and the day the job was posted I had two higher-ups contact me and ask me to apply.  A job that was created for me...and I didn't get it...y'all - THAT IS THE LORD.  I laid it at his feet and said "If this door opens, I'll walk through it.  If you don't want me here, I need you to close this door."  There isn't a door that man closes that God can't open.  There isn't a door God closes that man can open.  

At 10pm I was contacted by a company in San Diego and offered a job.  Now the decisions start again, but clearly God wants me on the west coast.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Q.