How precious is The Lord's provision. He generously gives us
what we need, but often we encounter the conflict of what we want verses
what we truly need. Our wants are self developed, our needs are seen
by The Lord. When what we so strongly yearn for is left unfulfilled,
we experience pain of broken expectations. My prayer remains that
our vision would not be clouded by tears, but would be through the lens of
perspective of what The Lord is teaching us through our pain. My
encouragement is to transform your test into your testimony, do not allow
your pain to be wasted.
I don't count it a coincidence that on multiple occasions when I'm
in the midst of a trial The Lord provides me with a friend, new or old,
this friend is going through or has recently gone through the exact
struggle I face. It is through this friend I am blessed with wisdom
and encouragement. It reminds me of the Biblical story of Mary and
Elizabeth...both women found themselves pregnant by The Lord's
supernatural provision and faithfulness. Having never been pregnant
I can't say I understand the physical and emotional changes that occur,
but I have witnessed it and it certainly doesn't look easy. How
incredible for God to give Mary and Elizabeth the support of each other,
for Elizabeth to look to Mary and say "Sister, I know how you
feel."
I have been in a stage of waiting for years, waiting for my husband
(refer back to previous posts for more details). Through the years I
have experienced friends who are in the same stage of waiting and what a
beautiful gift it is to pray together and soak up The Lord's truth.
Even more beautiful is to celebrate the fulfillment of His promises.
I am honored that my best friend, Tanya English (pictured below), has decided to share her story of waiting with y'all.
Below are Tanya’s words.
"Waiting On The Lord"
We live in a world that doesn't know what it means to wait.
The generation I grew up in seldom here's the word "No,"
we focus on being faster, our goal remains to decrease our wait time. We
thrive on immediate gratification. We live in a society where
if something is broke, we don't fix it, we upgrade to the next latest
and greatest. You can't afford something? That's okay, just
put it on a credit card. We fill ourselves up with things, but leave
the inside empty. It's hard to live in
this world and not let it taint you with its ideas of what happiness
means. We are constantly being programmed that the more you have and
the quicker you can get it, the happier you will be. I have learned, that
can’t be further from the truth!
Waiting rips control from your grasp, it is uncomfortable and scary.
In this world of immediate gratification we find ourselves asking,
why should or would we wait?
I have experienced periods of “waiting,” but never to the point
where my heart truly ached. Not until I decided to have a baby.
Everything had aligned perfectly; I was married, we had just
purchased a house with extra rooms for children, and we were both employed
with good benefits. It seemed natural…first comes love, then comes
marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage. I was just about to
turn 26…operation baby was put in place.
In May 2013, I stopped birth control and found myself pregnant after
only 3 months of trying, Woo Hoo! The day we signed papers as new
homeowners, we found out we were pregnant. I was in awe of His
perfect timing! In my prayers, I even "requested" that I
get pregnant in July or August, (and this was July). I excitedly
told family and close friends. My
celebration quickly halted when I begin spotting only two weeks later.
This made absolutely no sense. How could my prayers been so wrong?
I felt The Lord had answered my prayers, and then that joy was
quickly ripped away, almost as if I was being teased. This was one of the
biggest disappointments I had experienced and the pain went deep.
Six months later, which felt like eternity (Jan 2014), we found out
we were pregnant again! I was confident God would see this one to
fruition! I got an early ultrasound and blood work; everything
looked great! This time I only told a handful of people, obviously
afraid of the worst. I did my best to relax and trust that God was in
control. I held on to the verse "There is no fear in love, for
perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and
the one who fears is not made perfect in love." (1 John 4:18)
At exactly 9 weeks to the day, I began to spot. The pain of my
first miscarriage fell upon me. I fearfully denied the possibility
of a second. I couldn’t be miscarrying again! I tried to
rationalize this pain with presenting the reasons why I should receive
the desire of my heart - I'm healthy, we are good people, we did things
right… we didn’t deserve what we were receiving. Well sure enough,
it was not implantation spotting as I had hoped, I was going through
another loss.
I found myself in a pit of despair. I was hurt. The desire
of my heart was left unfulfilled and in its place was left pain, loss,
hurt, and frustration. I was mad. Disappointed.
I thought, is this really God's plan? How can this
be his plan? I thought he wanted to bless us? The year following, I
did my best to remain hopeful and confident, but there were often days I
felt defeated. As each month went by, I often wondered what
was wrong with me and was mad at my body for failing me. I reached
out to friends who had been through similar losses and was determined to
use these experiences to strengthen my relationship with God. I
found a podcast that spoke deeply to me called
"Shattered Dreams." I found peace in knowing I wasn't
alone in my heartache and that God really was right beside me, I found
myself reciting these sweet words - "The Lord is close to those who are
broken hearted, he rescues those whose spirits are crushed."
Psalm 34:18.
One year later (March 2015), I awoke at 3:30am with an intense urge
to take a pregnancy test. I peed on the stick, much like I had for
the umpteenth time, and I walked away. Pregnancy tests seemed more like
tests of my patience. Pregnancy tests were like riding an emotional
roller coaster, excitement and hope at the possibility, and pain and disappointment
when it again reads negative. At my first glance at the pregnancy test
I thought, of course, not pregnant again…but then I realized I read the
test incorrectly and I was in fact pregnant! I stared in the mirror
and didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I went out on the couch in
the living room and began praying. Two hours later, my husband awoke
and I told him the news. With tears
rolling down his eyes, He said, "See, I told you! This is IT!"
He knelt to kiss my stomach, his loving action broke my heart, wondering if
this time would be successful. As much as I wanted to believe those
words, my heart still had a brick wall surrounding it. The thought
of going through a third miscarriage plagued me and made me ill.
When I reflect upon my losses I find myself wondering - what God was
saving me from through my losses? Or
what was he saving me to? Was my body not ready to bear children?
Was I not ready to have children? We often
forget to thank God for what we are NOT experiencing. Trusting him to provide our every need
when we need them, not when we want them. I prayed often that He
would replace the empty feeling inside of me with more of Him, and He
faithfully did. He was also faithful to use my pain, he brought people
into my life that needed to hear my story.
My pain brought me wisdom and I was able to encourage and provide hope
from a new platform – I was able to do more than sympathize, I was able to
empathize. I slowly learned that this was my testimony to share and
God wanted to use me, how
incredible! More than anything, I wanted God to look proudly
upon me for I have turned ashes to beauty and am an example of his
faithfulness.
I write my story being 24.5 weeks pregnant and doing GREAT! At
the gender reveal party we learned we are having a girl, she will be named
Emma Grace. Emma has no specific meaning to me, I have always just
loved the name. Grace means unmerited favor. It's receiving
something even when you don't deserve it. She is not only a gift from God,
but a product of love and patience. She is something that we had to
work hard for and will always be worth the wait.
I feel so blessed that I am getting to experience being pregnant and
the joy it brings. My fears have slowly faded away for I trust that
God is in control and has always had a plan better than mine. I have
learned that waiting isn't to torture, but instead surrender to receive a
greater plan. I know God has always
wanted to bless us, and even
in my pain, he blessed me with wisdom, encouragement, and hope.
I pray that if anyone who is reading this and is in a stage of
waiting that you find hope in my journey from a desert to the promise
land. May you find hope from the testimony of the Lord’s
faithfulness and provision. May you trust in his timing.
I know it's hard when it seems everyone around you falls pregnant
"Oh I wasn't even trying!" and how much that stings. Or
when you have been to your 10th baby shower and kids birthday party.
You want so much to bring your own little one with you or have
someone rub your belly! Or buy cute maternity clothes and feel like
you’re glowing. I pray you be patient and expectant in your waiting,
for The Lord is good. "Blessed is she who has believed that the
Lord would fulfill His promises to her!" Luke 1:45
Amen sissy!
Q
