I completed the UNC Orthopedic Physical Therapy residency this week, upon this news, my patients, my family, and my friends ask "what's next?"
What comes next is a big decision.
Easy decision are mindless, often a clear winner exists - would you rather have a handful of rabbit turds or a handful of chocolate chips - hello, no brainer. I'm currently deciding between two wonderful opportunities. They both have their pros and they both have their cons. There is no clear "best pick." I'm left feeling indecisive - I'll awake one morning and confidently state "I'm moving west!" The very next morning I'll away and confidently state "I'm staying in the south!" To aid my indecisiveness I've made a pro and con list. I've set my professional goals. I've asked for the professional opinion of my colleagues and the personal opinion of my family and friends. With so many opinions it's difficult to distinguish my thoughts from those I've heard. I've sought council from Godly sources. And I've prayed...a lot...and I've asked for prayer...a lot.
Let's jump back to 2008 when I was applying to graduate school.
Here is an excerpt pull directly from my prayer journal. “Lord, you are all knowing, all powerful and perfect. You know the best plan for me. You will put me exactly where you want me. Please help me to trust you completely. Put me where I am supposed to be and help me to be content. Lord, I want to express my desire; I loved the Regis faculty, campus, students, and program. It felt like the perfect fit. Please. My desire is to go to Regis.” I couldn’t help but laugh when I read the words I had written. First, I attempted to “butter” God up with flattery and then I behaved like a selfish child, telling Him what to give me! My reaction to the rejection, tears and hysteria, was a clear display that I didn’t believe the initial words I wrote.
A journal entry one week later read: “Lord, I composed my own plan – Denver. I didn’t ask, I told you. I failed to trust. Your plan is always best. I have to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow you to give me the most thrilling plan existing. Right now I have trouble trusting that your plan is better than my own…take my dreams, come give them wings. Lord, with you there is nothing that I cannot do.” (I'm proud of this girl!)
Well The Lord shut the door to Colorado and I ended up at Duke. Was it what I wanted? No...because God knew best, He gave me more than I was asking for by taking away what I thought I wanted.
I'm a control freak. Type A. I like to know the next step because this allows me to plan ahead. I find myself packing up my house unsure if I'm moving across town or across the country. Not knowing is scary. Actually, it is terrifying. I like to plan and struggle with control - I like being confident in how things will turn out. My desire to know is my attempt to not trust. I'm constantly being reminded that great things take time and the greatest gifts often require an enormous amount of trust and faith - especially when there isn't a clear answer. But today I choose to trust, to give thanks, to surrender, and to take it one breath at a time. I will not worry. I will pray. I will remind myself of God's faithfulness and believe firmly that the outcome will be above and beyond anything I could imagine in my tiny feeble mind. Because honestly, God is in the mind-blowing business...he loves to WOW us.
With my current decision I've decided to surrender and trust. Our fickle hearts are easily swayed, mine can't be trusted...so in complete surrender I lay my options on the alter and say "God, you pick. You know the desires of my heart, if they aren't in align with yours please close the door. If I'm settling for less than what you want to give, close the door. I don't want to hold onto something that isn't mine. Time and time again you reveal your faithfulness."
I serve a God of compassion and love. I can trust him to provide no matter where I am. I can trust him to lead me. I must remember, this life isn't about my glory, it's about his.
Y'all. I wrote the blog post above yesterday at 5:17pm.
At 5:21pm I received a phone call that I didn't get the job in North Carolina. This was a job that I had been heavily recruited for, a position that I was told was developed with me in mind, and the day the job was posted I had two higher-ups contact me and ask me to apply. A job that was created for me...and I didn't get it...y'all - THAT IS THE LORD. I laid it at his feet and said "If this door opens, I'll walk through it. If you don't want me here, I need you to close this door." There isn't a door that man closes that God can't open. There isn't a door God closes that man can open.
At 10pm I was contacted by a company in San Diego and offered a job. Now the decisions start again, but clearly God wants me on the west coast.
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Q.
